Retardation divided
Chapter 1: Beginnings of the opposition In the beginning, there was only retardation. A universe filled with physical retardation. As a cliche as it sounds, some niggеr in between the retardation appeared one day and said "this fucking sucks im gonna kill this". Then he proceeded to kill the retardation piece by piece. As you might have guessed, this niggеr was immune to retardation as anyone by this point would be basically braindead from the surrounding retardation. This niggеr put in so much effort in killing retardation, that almost all retardation was destroyed in the process, or approximately 99.99999999999%. Then the niggеr died because he was 1 trillion and 5 years old. Then the rest of the universe happened (not counting all the germanpastas) and there was Earth. On Earth there was a kid named Rudik3000 (dude who the fuck names their kid that way) and he was one of the 'special' kids born with the power to control retardation. He wasn't aware of this ability until he cured his dad from autism after he kicked his balls with 58882 newtons. This kick extracted the physical retardation in his dad and he put it in his penis bcs he didn't have any pockets. Possessing physical retardation, he experimented with it. The more he played around, the more did he become retarded without him ever knowing it. On the other side we have an abnormal being - Zenron. Another fucking Sonic 'OC' that exists in real life, making him about a million times worse because he was born retarded. Although the strange thing is that he was the first to discover the secrets of controlling certain aspects of life. Mainly atom kinesis and aero kinesis. It's still a mystery to everyone as to how did he manage to unlock these skills but I'm sure he'll reveal it later in the story. Other than that, there's nothing else. Damn this is bland. I guess he possesses some psychic powers but to an unknown extent. People say that the first time he used his psychic powers, his mum (HG) pissed all over him bcs he accidentally tore out her ovary. Oh yeah he's supposed to be the protagonist of this germanpasta but he's like an anti-hero due to his inborn retardation. Chapter 2: First fight So one day both their parents thought "why is my child so fucking retarded i need to get rid of him" and decided to put them into a "school for the mentally ill". The school was called "The Gizzhole". The parents didn't really think about anything at all and just registered both of the retards asap permanently. This is where the trouble began. Rudedick3000 Rudik3000 immediately sensed a massive source of retardation inside the school and began looking for the person having it. When he finally found the person having it, he was dumbfounded that a fucking sonic OC existed in real life. They had a short talk about fucking gays and then Rudik3000 went to the toilet. Actually he didn't. When he started going to the toilet, he sneaked behind Zenron and tried to extract his retardation but failed miserably because he got poked by his spikes. Zenron was agitated by this and the school instantly exploded, killing all the normal people inside and leaving a dick-shaped crater (the school was shaped like a dick). Rudick3000 was surprised because he didn't think that retardation was this powerful. Then he realised an hour later that if Zenron is powerful then the retardation he has must be powerful too!!!! He conjured up a retarded sword and shield and then he realized he is in the hospital because Zenron beat the shit out of him 58 minutes ago. A week later Roodik3000 got his ass split in two by his dad and then he got raped to near-death. He started stretching his asshole so that it wouldn't hurt as much when he gets raped by his dad, if again. He went to the sex shop and retarded the shopkeeper to death and took all the dragon dildos and lubes and whatever and went into his sex dungeon (basement). There he practices his ass stretching from monday to monday (the same one) because his ass hurts real bad when he puts something in. When Zenron returned home, the first thing he did was rip out the door and eat it, then proceed to vore a dog (it didn't die dw). HG fucking stormed in and asked what the fuck was Zenron doing. Zenron said he beat up some worstkid and destroyed the school. HG fucking beat Zenron with a neutron star until he was a fetus. HG then used magic to make him the same age as he was. Then he beat him with a neutron star again. Rinse and repeat for 19582 times. Basically what I'm saying is that both Zenron and Runningdick3000 lost because their parents got mad that their kid was back home. De todos modos, ambos volverán en el próximo capítulo como "adultos". Gay gay gay mierda mierda traductor equivocado. Chapter 3: Powerful disabilities Several years have passed and as time went on, our little retards have grown into full retards, truly aware of their powers but unsure of their limits. Zenron decided to travel to Asia to the temples of Shaolin monks. The monks attacked him the moment they saw him because they thought that a demon has come for their souls. Fortunately for him, Zenron managed to calm everyone down and he passed all the initiation tests and became a novice of the Shaolin monks. After long training, Zenron had to complete the Test of strength. He was faced with a powerful fighter who also possessed powers of retardation. I guess you could say it was a retard showdown. Zenron infused his kung fu or whatever with retardation and started fighting his opponent. For both fighters, the fight lasted for 92 months but it actually lasted 5 seconds. Because the plot demands it the winner was Zenron and he became a full Shaolin monk and has obtained all the secrets of the Shaolin. Meanwhile Rudik became a social recluse after accidentally murdering his father when they were having christmas. His father asked for Rudik to pass the salt but while preparing the table Rudik actually put extremely poisonous grains of some weird shit that looked like salt on the table. When his father shoved down the entire thing down his throat, he overestimated the limits of his throat and died shortly after from asphyxiation. After this event, Zenron quickly fucked his MILF and ran away into the nearby woods, where he practiced retardomancy for several years. Eventually Rudik said "fuck this" and went into the nearby town to rape everything with his retard tentacles. He absorbed all of their retardation and became way more powerful than before and lifted the entire town and threw it at the sun. The age of Rudik was coming fast. Chapter 4: Demonstration of power Rudik, now a self-proclaimed master of retardomancy, has finally started his path to rule the world. Although he realized he can't be an evil tyrant without any henchmen. Ah, of course, let's just give him the ability to conjure up some fake henchmen with retardation. Now it's ok. So, he set out to the capital of his dear country, he set out to Minsk. There he killed all of the people in charge and in the process angered Russia and they said "fuck it" and nuked Belarus. Unfortunately Rudik was left unscathed by this action and traveled to Russia and killed almost all people in charge except one. Motherfucking Putin. The literal god of modern soviet propaganda and banger of GILFs (Grandma I'd Like to Fuck). He sat in his office with a wicked grin and Rudik felt his menacing aura. Putin was dressed in a gray business suit and his boots were so polished they fucking radiated light in all spectrums. Putin stood up and the entire room exploded by his sheer manliness. Rudik still believed that he was no match for him and charged ahead into Putin. But Putin, who is the world-wide champion of slapping competitions, slapped Rudik so hard it created a wormhole into the moon. Rudik was thrown through 5 skyscrapers and emerged almost torn to pieces, but he utilized his retardation and regenerated himself extremely quickly. Putin charged forward to kill Rudik but he gave him a swift kick to the stomach and Putin flew back to his office. Putin underestimated Rudik and tore off his suit, revealing a perfectly chiseled body. Rudik shot a volley of retard points at Putin but he deflected them with his bear hands. Rudik became desperate. His retardation started to run out and he needed to finish Putin off soon. Putin sensed his fear and smashed the ground, causing an earthquake. The entirety of Moscow was obliterated and Rudik was hit by a giant amount of debris. Putin approached Rudik and said: "You are mighty man. But you not mightier than Putin." "I might not be stronger than you, but I am smarter than you" - Rudik replied Rudik grabbed Putin by his leg and shoved a wriggling appendage inside it. Putin screamed out in pain and then fell on the ground dead. His entire body began to convulse and turned vomit green. "My secret attack, Invasion Penetration, penetrates any part of your body and quickly finds it's way to your brain and then completely removes it with surgical precision. Your retardation is mine!" Rudik then absorbed Putin's retardation and became even more powerful. And now he has gained the memories of Putin. Rudik has obtained the entire land of Russia and all of the information about it. It seems that while Putin had knowledge of everything going on in Russia, he was unable to process it. And now that a person with a slightly higher brain power has this knowledge, Russia will become the most powerful nation in the world. That is, if everything will go to plan. Chapter 5: Rampage Zenron has become the ultimate shaolin monk because the council of the monks found out to increase his power. The method was unorthodox to say the least. It involved sapping Zenron of all his power. But this made him far more powerful than before. You see, Zenron's inferiority was so great that if you added any more, it would make it overlap and make him superior. Zenron has heard of a new ruler for Russia and decided to travel to Russia to see how the country is doing. Zenron was astounded. The situation was chaotic: people were killing and fucking each other, old monuments were being constantly set on fire, for some strange reason there were bananas growing out of random objects (Zenron took some because he secretly really likes bananas) and most importantly, liquor stores were annihilated. "This is fantastic!" - Zenron thought to himself. He decided to go to a nearby club where the new ruler was holding a party to celebrate him being the new dictator. Obviously, the party was well guarded and unfortunately for Zenron, only invited guests are allowed. Zenron didn't take no as an answer and went inside the club through force. Rudik was looking over the party when amidst the normal looking people emerged some fucking black and green hedgehog man and thought he looked kinda familiar. Then it dawned upon his tiny brain: this is the asshole that kicked my ass when i was small. Rudik wanted revenge but decided it would be best to send his henchmen to kick his ass then come to kill Zenron when he was weakened. And so he did! He infused everyone in the club with concentrated retardation and an order: kick the weirdo hedgehog's ass really bad. Zenron was suddently ambushed and he was under a mountain of people that were squashing him. He powered up and unleashed a powerful blast of wind using his aerokinesis, sending everyone flying in all directions. Zenron was really disappointed, he came to have a good party and meet new people that are way smarter than him but instead he was to be beat up by some ruski motherfuckers. This sucked and even he understood that. And because it sucked he became really angry, meaning he will want to calm down somehow. The most straightforward way to calm down in Zenron's eyes was to kill everyone in a brutal fashion who assaulted him. The next paragraph merely consists of the actions that Zenron took in order to calm himself down. Replace the eyes with the testicles and vice versa Impregnate a man using a woman Rip off a head and shit down the neck Decapitate using an axe Inflate the body with aerokinesis and blow it up Concentrate a huge amount of air in a small space and send it to the brain, then expand it Freeze with aerokinesis then shatter everything Put a person on angel dust and make them peel off their face skin (actually happened) Put inside a giant blender (happened but it was a kitten) Throw at the sun (yes i went to encyclopedia dramatica for some ideas) Rudik, who was waiting for Zenron to get beaten up because very disappointed with his henchmen. He also witnessed everything that Zenron has done and decided it would be best to take his leave. Zenron started looking for Rudik in order to meet him because he really wants to meet the man who made Russia great again. Unfortunately for him, Rudik was nowhere to be found, but Zenron won't give up so easily on finding him. Chapter Eventually Rudik reformed the ussr and now everything was in mongolian because he thought it sounded funny. Also Rudik took Gaben as a hostage and now has control of Valve. Using this power he decided to host an eSports tournament for Geometry Dash. The organizers told him that there is no actual way to host an esports for a game like that but Rudik insisted anyway. Obviously no one participated so Rudik became desperate and picked a few random people from his office to compete with each other. The reward was........ 10 MILLION......... iranian rial. About 237$. Also you get a bag of pistachios so that's, uh, pretty delicious. Zenron heard about the reward and was hyped up for that shit. Not only will he meet the president dictator of the ussr but he has a chance to win a cool reward. Zenron didn't actually hare about the money since he doesn't really need human things to survive. He only wanted the bag of pistachios because you know, they're delicious! Zenron charged up a fart and flew into the tournament. How lucky that Rudik was taking a shit at that time and wasn't overlooking the players. Zenron immediately got signed up for the tournament as the last player and the game begun. Then it ended because Zenron disintegrated all the other computers but his and beat Stereo Madness in 2853 attempts with half of a coin. Rudik suddently bursted out of the outhouse with a plunger up his ass and complained as to why were the toilets were just holes because he thought that the toilet was stuck as it didn't flush. In fact, it didn't even have a flush button. Then Rudik saw Zenron. And Zenron saw Rudik. It was love at first sight. Zenron yeeted his ass straight to Rudik and started licking his cheek. Rudik responded with a fucking pull-out-the-plunger-out-of-my-ass-and-splatter-the-shit-on-you. Zenron was dumbfounded. What did he ever do the dictator? He only wanted to suck his dick but now he was disappointed. Rulers who hit their fans are gay and they should die die die. Now both of them were having the same attitude. "I'm gonna exploit the retardation within you and make you my strongest minion!" Rudik proclaimed. "dictator you notn ice i kill you noiw fuck you va te foutre also you owe me pistachios:(" Zenron cried out. And thus our final battle begins. An autistic man-child ussr leader and a delusion-come-reality problematic green hedgehog. Who shall prevail in this historic battle? Truly historic. Not a lot of people would be about to start causing destruction because of a bad childhood. Final Chapter: Daily fact #868939881285 "HHRURURUURURURURRA" Zenron unleashed his battle cry and farted really, really hard on Rudik. Rudik was blown away and into a nearby wall. Rudik created a pair of retarded swords and tried to attack Zenron. He failed miserably. "Wait a second, I don't know how to use melee weapons!" Rudik thought and destroyed the swords. He then made tiny, retardation-attracted daggers and commanded them to go to the largest source of retardation. The daggers stabbed him and Rudik was confused as to why his spells weren't working properly. Zenron was also confused as to what the dictator was doing. Rudik then turned his hand into a dildo and whacked Zenron with it. Zenron felt sexually aroused from that hit. But he remembered he doesn't know what sex means. Actually both of them didn't know what it meant. thenjesusdescendedfromtheskytotellyouthathomosexualityisasin. wryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Zenron then accidentally created a tornado and it destroyed the bag of pistachios inside the building. Zenron has gained a new Status Effect: "Depression"!. Rudik laughed but then he was ripped in half by the tornado. He then crawled to find his bottom half and glued it with retardation. "oooowwwww" Rudik whined. Zenron was really angry at Rudik. He made him destroy his rightfully won bag of pistachios and he would never forgive him for that. Without noticing, Zenron cummed and God smited his dick. Rudik then hit Zenron's dick with the dildo-arm and Zenron used the last of his strength to atomize Rudik's wizard beard. As Zenron started passing out, he saw Rudik convulsing and changing into all colors at incredible hihg speed. Zenron awoke in a 3x3x3 white chamber containing a white table and 2 white chairs with a white bed with white sheets. There was a camera with a red light on it in the top corner of the room. There was also a door which Zenron tried to open. Didn't work. "wat is this place mi ais hurt". After around 10 minutes, Zenron sat on a chair and the door immediately opened. A man and 2 bodyguards entered the room. The man sat down. "Good morning, SCP-5558-A. We have some questions which we would like to ask about you." to be continued in an upcoming SCP-5558 germanpasta.Category:Karciama